if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Randomize
