i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
