I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
