Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
