I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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