I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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