im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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