i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
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