I just threw up on my dentist
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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