if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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