The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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