Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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