I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize