Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
