Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
