I didn't shave. On purpose
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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