1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
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