I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Randomize
