I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
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