once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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