i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I would fuck him just for his dog
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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