this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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