why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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