When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize