theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
