if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
