Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
