New low: just hacked my moms facebook
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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