i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
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