What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
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