i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
