Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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