im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Randomize
