I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
