No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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