My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
