its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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