i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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