If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
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