Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
