Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize