I'd wear matching sweaters with you
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
