Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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