Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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