The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
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