Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I have feelings that need drinking.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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