I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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