i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
