Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
