I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
