I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
And then he peed in my hair
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