i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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