We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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