i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
