finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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