He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
