i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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