insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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