I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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